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Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
Somebody hacked the milk. Coca-Cola owns a dairy called Fairlife, four billion dollars a year in fancy high-protein milk, and somebody broke into its computers, locked everything up, and demanded money, so the company shut down every plant it runs in this country. It is milk. It comes out of a cow. And the whole operation went down because the milk runs on a computer now, and the computer can be robbed from another continent by a person who has never seen a cow. They are warning it could empty the shelves. I did not think the thing standing between me and a glass of milk was a password.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
They gave semaglutide, the weight-loss drug the whole country is already fighting over, to a hundred and eight people, and it slowed their biological aging by about nine percent. The researchers are careful to say it is not an anti-aging drug. It just does that too, on the side. The thing everyone is already scrambling for now gets to cheat death a little as well. I take a vitamin the size of my thumb every morning and the only thing it has ever done is get stuck.
😩 Most Exhausting
Scientists at Penn State found a tiny scaffold inside your brain cells that works like a gatekeeper, deciding what gets let in, and when it wears out the neurons start swallowing the toxic stuff behind Alzheimer's. So there is a bouncer in there, and the whole trouble is that he eventually stops checking. They think protecting him might slow the disease. Might. Someday. I have been reading that exact sentence about Alzheimer's my whole adult life, and it has always ended in someday.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
The Blue Angels flew low over a beach in Florida and the wind off the planes picked up everybody's hats and chairs and tents and threw them down the sand. People paid for a quiet morning at the beach and got a military flyover that repossessed their umbrella. A woman who had been coming for ten years said she had never seen a pass like it. The planes do not care. That is the entire appeal of a plane.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
There is an emu loose in Mississippi and nobody knows whose it is. Animal control has video of it wandering down a road, six feet of confused Australian bird, and no owner has come forward. Somewhere a person is deliberately not answering the phone. I understand the emu completely. If I got out one day and nobody I belonged to would admit it, I would also just keep walking down Pea Ridge Road and not look back.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ Rare echidna twins hatch at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park — The San Diego Zoo hatched echidna twins, which are called puggles, and it is the first time one mother has managed two in a single season at any zoo on the continent. One is being raised by the mother down a burrow. The other was too small, so the vets took it. Even among the puggles, one got the burrow and one got the paperwork. I know which one I would have been.
▸ Scientists finally solved why some frogs survive a deadly fungus — Scientists worked out why some frogs survive the fungus that has been wiping out amphibians all over the world. The ones that make it build their defenses early, back when they are still tadpoles, before the thing ever turns up. So the survivors are the ones who prepared for a disaster they had not met yet. I did not do that. I am meeting all of mine live, in person, in the order they arrive.
▸ Basketball player sinks shots from over 80 feet to break two world records — A twenty-one-year-old in Egypt broke two Guinness records in one day, a hook shot from eighty-two feet and a backwards shot from ninety, taking the backwards one off a Harlem Globetrotter who had held it since 2024. Backwards. From ninety feet. I once threw a piece of junk mail at a wastebasket four feet away and missed it so completely that I had to get up and go looking for where it went.
Thanks for reading. I'm going back to bed.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
You made it to the end. Congratulations. Nothing has improved.
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