Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
Somebody scooped up the actual garbage from Taylor Swift's wedding and put it up for sale. It sold out. Grown adults saw literal trash, learned it had been near a celebrity, and reached for their wallets. That's the economy now. A napkin is worthless. A napkin that once sat near a famous person is a collectible. I put my garbage out every week and the only thing that ever wants it is a raccoon. Even the raccoon has the decency not to pay for it.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
A couple in Brazil kissed a hundred and ninety-five times in thirty seconds for a world record and then declared themselves the best couple in the world. He also holds records for toppling books and rotating his foot the farthest. Love is not a timed event. Nobody has ever kissed me a hundred and ninety-five times about anything, and I've made my peace with it.
😩 Most Exhausting
A squirrel came out of a package at a Meta office in Thailand and tore through the building, and it caused enough of a mess that somebody wrote an official internal memo about it. A memo. About a squirrel. That is the single most productive thing to come out of a tech office in years, and it was done by a rodent that shipped itself in by accident.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
A bear walked into a mall on an Alaska base and ate exactly one peach. Then it left a mess on the floor and walked back out. No browsing, no second thoughts. It knew what it wanted and took it and left the cleanup to somebody else. I've never once left a store that sure of myself, and I'm allowed to be in there.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
Scientists worked out some new ways to spot a Dyson sphere, which is a giant structure an advanced alien civilization might build around its own star to harvest all of its energy at once. So somewhere out there, maybe, a species got organized enough to wrap a sun in scaffolding. My family can't agree on where to eat, and there are five of us. I wish the scientists luck finding the aliens. They sound like they have it together.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ Scientists explained why the human body has so many design flaws — Scientists laid out why the human body has so many design flaws, and it comes down to evolution building on old parts instead of starting fresh, so the spine and the knees and half the rest of it are compromises that barely hold together. Even the eye is wired backwards. I've been complaining about this exact thing for decades and getting told I'm negative. Turns out I was doing quality control.
▸ An experimental drug reversed severe liver disease by repairing the gut first — Researchers have an experimental drug that reversed serious liver disease in animals by fixing the gut first, which is apparently where a lot of the damage starts. So the liver was taking the blame for a problem that began somewhere else entirely. I know how that feels. My knees have been covering for my back for years.
▸ A second pregnancy rewires the brain differently than the first — Scientists found that pregnancy rewires the brain, and a second pregnancy rewires it differently than the first, fine-tuning the changes. So the brain rebuilds itself for the job and adjusts the plan the second time around. I raised two kids and can confirm the brain never fully comes back. Mine's been running on a revised layout since about 1985, and the updates never did take.
Larry says hi. He doesn't mean it.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
Grumpnews. Larry approved. Larry approves of nothing.