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Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
An emu got out of a mobile zoo in Moriyama, Japan, this week and walked into a residential neighborhood. The first calls to police reported an ostrich. It was not an ostrich. The bird is less than a year old and had been allowed to wander near the zoo's entrance, and nobody can yet say how it got past that. Officers followed it around the neighborhood for about two hours before they cornered it at an apartment complex. Nobody was hurt, and the zoo says it is reviewing its security and will keep having emus. Two hours of people following it everywhere it went. Nobody has followed me anywhere for two hours. Not even Larry.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
A woman from Lexington, North Carolina, bought a Ruby Red 7's scratch-off ticket at a Food Lion in Winston-Salem and won a hundred thousand dollars. She had already won a hundred thousand dollars on the same game in August of last year. After taxes she took home $72,016 this time, which is more than she kept the first time. The first win went to her four grandchildren. This one is paying for a beach vacation with her husband. She told lottery officials it was just luck. I once found a quarter in a parking lot and it was Canadian.
😩 Most Exhausting
The muscle weakness that comes with age is called sarcopenia, and it affects nearly half of adults over eighty. Researchers at the University of Missouri found that part of the problem is not the muscle but the connection to it. The signals from the nerves stop landing properly, partly because the muscle has less of a protein called NaV1.4. In animal studies, partly blocking a different protein, ClC-1, made the muscles stronger again, and the lead researcher says the failure is potentially reversible. My knees have been receiving the message for years and choosing not to act on it.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
Cath Bowie of Scotland turned seventy eight on September 1 and is now in the Guinness World Records Gamer's Edition 2027 as the oldest female Fortnite streamer on Twitch. She got into the game in 2017 after watching her grandson play, and nearly nine years later she is still at it. She has tried other games and says none of them excite her the way this one does. She calls herself a Fortniter more than a gamer. Her username is grumpygran48. I have been grumpy far longer than nine years and nobody has put me in a book.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
Every year since 2014, Katmai National Park in Alaska has asked the public to vote on which of its brown bears has put on the most weight before hibernation. Sixteen bears are in this year's bracket. They include 32 Chunk, last year's winner, along with bears called Bucky, Marshmallow and Studious. The park superintendent says there are more cubs at Brooks Camp this year than anyone has seen in a long time. I also spent the summer eating to prepare for winter, and nobody held a vote.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ Scientists gave worms magnetic bacteria and they lived 43% longer — Researchers at the Hefei Institutes of Physical Science in China treated tiny roundworms with a bacterium that grows little magnetic crystals inside itself. The worms lived about forty three percent longer, and their nerves and guts held up better in old age. The bacteria seem to hold back a kind of cell death driven by iron building up, and versions of the bacteria that could not make the magnets did nothing. Nobody has tried it in people. I have a magnet on the fridge and all it has done is hold up a bill.
▸ Scientists find two tiny new snails with shells that close like doors — Two new species of snail, each about six millimeters long, have turned up on limestone rocks in Montenegro, in Durmitor National Park and Komarnica Canyon. They were found by researchers, students and volunteers on expeditions between 2018 and 2025. Each one has a small disk on its tail that seals the shell shut like a door once it is inside. A proposed hydropower dam threatens the habitat of one of them. I have wanted a door like that at every family dinner I have attended.
▸ Uranus' moon Ariel may have hidden a 100-mile-deep ocean — Researchers studying the cracks and ridges on Ariel, one of the moons of Uranus, have concluded it probably once had an ocean under its surface more than a hundred miles deep. That is roughly sixty eight times the average depth of the Pacific. The clue is the stress left behind from a time when its orbit was far more stretched out than it is now. The only spacecraft to visit flew past in 1986, and one scientist says they just need to go back. I have a basement I have not been down to since about then.
Thanks for subscribing to my grievances.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
Grumpnews. Now with 100% more eye-rolling.