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Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
Microsoft put out patches for five hundred and seventy security holes on Tuesday. Five hundred and seventy. In one day. That is a record, and the company would like you to receive it as good news, because the reason there are so many is that they are using AI to go find them now. The man who runs Windows said customers will be seeing a higher volume of security updates. That is the sentence he chose. Not we are shipping fewer holes. A higher volume of updates. Two of those holes were already being used on people before anybody at Microsoft knew they were there. I have had a screen door for thirty years with one lock on it, and it has never once needed a patch.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
A study followed nearly nineteen hundred people and found the ones who go to museums and concerts and the movies have bodies about three years younger than the ones who stay in. So the theater is load-bearing now. The researchers do admit it might run the other way, that the people who feel good are the ones who get out of the house. I have been in this chair the entire time and it has not taken a year off me.
😩 Most Exhausting
Scientists put a pile of ordinary rocks in front of some chimpanzees, and a few crystals, and the chimps went for the crystals every time. One named Sandy sorted hers into groups and carried them around in her mouth. Another took his back to bed. We have been picking up crystals for seven hundred and eighty thousand years and the chimps are in on it too. So the crystal people were not being silly. They were being ancient. I have never been sorrier to be wrong.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
A woman in Canada taught her Pomeranian to jump through her arms ten times in seven and a half seconds, and that is now a world record. The dog is two years old. It is called Twinkie. It is in a dance troupe. She and her dogs have nineteen of these titles between them. Nineteen. Larry's entire repertoire is that he can hear a bag of chips open from another floor of the house. I did not teach him that. He worked it out on his own, which is somehow worse.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
Archaeologists in Egypt went through a mummy about sixteen hundred years old and found a scrap of Homer laid on its stomach. The Iliad. The part that lists every ship sailing to Troy, which is the boring part, the part everybody skips. Every other papyrus they have found in there was a prayer or a spell. This one is an inventory of boats. I would like it on the record now that when my turn comes, nobody is to do this to me.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ This pet gecko could help scientists unlock the secrets of cancer — People bred a leopard gecko for its color, a white and yellow one they call lemon frost, and about eight in ten of them get aggressive tumors. The same mutation that made it the right shade made it sick. Now scientists are studying the thing, because the genes behind its tumors are the same ones behind cancer in us. We bred a small animal into a disease on purpose because we liked the yellow, and the excuse is that it might turn out useful.
▸ Astronomers just found four hidden white dwarf stars near Earth — Astronomers turned up four dead stars practically next door, one of them twenty-five light-years out, which makes it about the ninth closest we know about. They were invisible because their brighter companions were washing them out. One of them took twenty-seven years to confirm. Twenty-five light-years away, and twenty-seven years to be sure it was there at all. I have things in my garage I have not identified since 1998, so I am not going to say a word.
▸ Are humans really the ultimate super-predator? — Somebody went through thirty years of research to settle whether animals are actually frightened of us. Turns out they are frightened of hunters and fishermen and not much else, and around roads and houses they relax, because they have worked out that the things that would eat them stay away from people. So we are not the ultimate predator. We are a bad neighborhood the wolves avoid. That is the closest thing to a compliment I have had all week.
Close the tab. Touch a houseplant. Try again tomorrow.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
Grumpnews: Because someone has to be annoyed about this.
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