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❖ THE GRIPE ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
I read the recall notice on my phone before my coffee was ready. It covers one lot of 365 Whole Foods Market ashwagandha capsules, 120 count, sold online at Amazon and in Whole Foods stores from November 24, 2025, through October 20, 2026. The company says it found salmonella during routine sampling of a single retail unit. No illnesses have been reported. The instructions are to throw the bottle out and not return it to the store, and to take a refund at any Whole Foods instead. I went to the shelf where the vitamins live and read the lot number on every bottle. Larry watched from the doorway and did not offer to help. None of them matched, and I was less pleased about that than I expected to be. Someone checked one bottle at random and found salmonella in it. That is the whole system.
❖ THE DAMAGE REPORT ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 MOST ENRAGING
Once Upon a Farm is recalling its Tractor Wheels Organic Toddler Soft-Baked Bars in three flavors, which were sold nationwide online and at Costco, Target and Walmart. When chewed, the bars can form a dry, sticky mass that can fully block a toddler's airway, and the FDA says standard choking treatment may not dislodge it. The FDA has received several reports of complete airway obstruction. The company acted after three customer complaints. Refunds are available at the store.
😩 MOST EXHAUSTING
U.S. District Judge April Perry in Chicago turned down McDonald's request to throw out the proposed class action from four customers, though five other claims were dismissed. The plaintiffs say the patty is designed to look like a rack of pork ribs and contains no rib meat, and that it includes shoulder, heart, tripe and stomach. McDonald's denies this and says its patty is 100% pork from U.S. suppliers. The plaintiffs are upset about the shape. McDonald's is pointing at the ingredient list.
😤 UNREASONABLY ANNOYING
Pillani sold more than 25,000 of these nursing pillows on Amazon from April to September 2026. The Consumer Product Safety Commission says they violate mandatory safety standards and can obstruct a child's ability to breathe. No injuries have been reported. The refund requires an email to the company, a photo of the pillow and then instructions for disposing of it. That is a lot of steps for a pillow.
🤷 SOMEHOW ALSO HAPPENING
Juniper Street between 11th and 13th streets was fully closed from midnight Friday, and roads around the Loews Hotel were blocked until noon Sunday. Southbound drivers on Juniper were sent to a detour on Peachtree Street. The closures overlapped with crowds heading to the Georgia versus Florida football game at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The diplomats had the street. The football fans had the detour.
I Almost Threw Out My Keurig. It Wasn't Broken.
Every cup from my Keurig started tasting weak, flat, stale — so I unplugged it and stuck it in a closet. Then I learned the dirty secret of grocery store K-Cups: by the time a pod reaches your kitchen, it's usually spent months going from factory to warehouse to truck to shelf. The flavor oils are long gone. Some brands even over-roast to hide it.
The fix wasn't a new machine. It was fresh pods from Angelino's, a family-owned L.A. roastery that roasts, packs, and ships within 3–5 days — straight to your door, from 39¢ a cup. Over 1,000,000 happy customers. 50+ flavors, no subscription required, and 15% off your first order, applied automatically at checkout.
❖ AND SOME OTHER STUFF ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ Wise Wife ground cinnamon is recalled over elevated lead levels. The 3.88-ounce containers were sold in 14 states, and the company says no illnesses have been reported. Discard it or return it for a full refund.
▸ Taylor Farms recalled an H-E-B chop salad kit over undeclared soy and almond. Anyone allergic to soy or tree nuts should not eat it.
▸ Haifa Smoked Fish recalled cold-smoked sprats over possible Clostridium botulinum contamination. That bacterium is the one that causes botulism, a rare but serious illness.
✦ THE ONE GOOD THING
Fine. Marilyn Hampton, known as Miss Marilyn, worked 39 years as a custodian in the Aubrey Independent School District in Texas. She also bought and delivered school supplies, helped struggling students study and ran the ticket booth at football games. She is 76 and still helps care for infants and toddlers. The district is naming a new elementary school for her, and she was asked to roll out a red carpet with the name stitched in. She has earned the building.
Gravité Cologne for Men: Confidence in a Bottle
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Read the lot number before you swallow it.
THE GRUMP · (AND LARRY)