Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
I do not have a wellness startup, but if I did, I suspect investors would eventually notice mine was also not real. Selena Gomez launched a mental health app in 2021 with her mother, took roughly one point two million dollars from investors, and is now being sued because, per the lawsuit, the partnerships did not exist, the initiatives never materialized, and the app itself was never built. She reportedly signed a contract promising to market the company and then simply did not. The investors found out from a magazine article, not from her. Somewhere in this economy, not building the thing is itself a funded business model.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
Databricks went looking for one billion dollars and found out investors wanted to hand over fifteen. The company settled for five billion at a valuation of one hundred ninety billion, after a leaked article about the fundraise made the chief executive's phone, in his words, blow up. He says AI is expensive. It is, apparently, also profitable to ask for one billion and let the market round up to five.
😩 Most Exhausting
Ospreys vanished from Britain by 1916 and came back on their own in 1954. Researchers tracking fifty-four years of the recovery found the birds that mattered most were the ones who refused to nest anywhere near the existing population, sometimes flying over a hundred miles to start somewhere new alone. One of those pairs bred in southern England last year for the first time since 1847. The loners saved the species. I have been told that is not how it works for people.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
Two goats got loose in Portland, wandered into a transit station, and boarded a city bus before changing their minds and wandering off toward a shopping center. The transit agency posted the security footage and admitted it has no idea where the goats came from, where they were headed, or whether they paid the fare. Police searched and found nothing. Somewhere in Portland two goats are still out there, unaccounted for and possibly owed a transfer.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
Someone left a device with exposed wires outside a Washington fire station during rush hour, and the bomb squad shut down traffic for two hours to deal with it. The police report describes the device as an electronic sex pump. Whoever left it had already spoken to someone inside the building and then walked away. Nobody has been identified. I have never once in my life needed a bomb squad's professional opinion on anything I own.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ A tortoise missing for two weeks turned up 12 miles from home — A tortoise named Molly went missing from her home in Manitoba and turned up two weeks later at a nature preserve twelve miles away. Staff spent days assuming visitors were misidentifying turtles, or possibly a rock, before someone got a clear photo. The leading theory is a well-meaning stranger found her on a highway and dropped her at what looked like proper wetland. The staffer who took her in said she would not put it past Molly to have walked the whole way herself.
▸ A man assembled Mr. Potato Head blindfolded in under 8 seconds — A man in Kentucky broke the world record for assembling Mr. Potato Head blindfolded, finishing in seven point nine two seconds. He did it to raise awareness for Usher Syndrome, a condition that causes hearing loss and eventual blindness, and to make the point that people who have it can still do remarkable things. The record itself, before he explained why, sounded like the setup to a joke, and I laughed before I remembered to feel bad about it.
▸ Scientists are regrowing bone using sheep's wool — Researchers in London took keratin out of sheep wool, turned it into a membrane, and used it to help rats regrow bone across holes in their skulls. The bone that grew back was better organized than what usually comes from the standard material used for this kind of repair. One of the scientists said this moves the idea past early concept and into something demonstrated. Whatever is in a sweater, it apparently also wants to be a skull.
Larry says hi. He doesn't mean it.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
Grumpnews. Larry approved. Larry approves of nothing.