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Est. 2026 · Vol. I · The Daily Grievance
Grump News
"The worst thing that happened to me today that you NEED to know about. And some other news stuff."
❖ The Gripe ❖
A Personal Affront, Reported Faithfully
A shopping app got caught opening a secret tab in your browser so it could take the commission on things you bought without its help. It never charged you a penny. It just cut in line at the register and took the credit for a sale somebody else made. The woman running it is Bill Gates' daughter. Forty million dollars raised, Khloé Kardashian in on the deal, and the business turned out to be standing behind you at the checkout saying that one was mine. They got suspended over it, and they say all necessary changes have been made. All necessary changes. The change was they stopped. I have never once been paid for something I did not do, and I have been trying my whole life.
❖ The Damage Report ❖
Today's News, Ranked By How Much It Ruined My Mood
🔥 Most Enraging
Somebody dug up a duck-billed dinosaur skull in Montana with a T. rex tooth still stuck in the face. Sixty-six million years ago something bit this animal hard enough to leave a tooth behind, and the tooth is still in there. That is the whole fossil. One bad afternoon, preserved. Every mistake I have ever made has had the decency to fade. This one is in a museum with a label on it.
😩 Most Exhausting
Scientists worked out why peach fuzz makes you itch. There is a whole dedicated system in your skin for it, wired to fine little hairs, kept separate from the one that handles bug bites and poison ivy. The body built a department just for fuzz. They have known about those hairs for a hundred years and only now got around to asking what they do. My body keeps a specialist on staff for peaches. It cannot get me up a flight of stairs, but the peach situation is fully covered.
😤 Unreasonably Annoying
Astronomers pointed two of the biggest radio telescopes on earth at a planet a hundred and twenty-four light-years out, the one everybody thinks might have an ocean, and listened for anybody broadcasting. They picked up millions of possible signals. Every last one turned out to be noise, or interference, or us. So we called across a hundred and twenty-four light-years and the only voice on the line was our own. I have had that exact phone call with both my kids.
🤷 Somehow Also Happening
NASA's Perseverance has now driven a full marathon on Mars. Twenty-six miles, in five years and four months, which works out to about a mile every ten weeks. The rover before it took eleven years to cover the same ground, so this is the fast one. A machine crawled a marathon across another planet slower than I get to the mailbox, and it never once stopped to mention it. That is the difference between us. It is not the speed.
❖ And Some Other Stuff ❖
Briefly, And With Limited Enthusiasm
▸ Yale scientists found a hidden network inside the eye — Yale found a hidden network inside the eye. The channels that handle color and motion and contrast were all supposed to run on their own, and it turns out they have been wired together the whole time, passing notes back and forth so you can pick things out in a dim room. They have been cutting eyes open for centuries and only just found the wiring. Mine lost the low-light feature around 2010 and nobody has come to look at it since.
▸ Scientists discovered the brain doesn't make decisions the way we thought — Scientists say deciding starts much earlier in the brain than anyone thought. The old idea was that information climbs up to the smart part and the smart part makes the call. Turns out it runs both ways, and the early sensory bit is already in on the decision before you have consciously done a thing. So the call is half made before you get there. That explains every argument I have ever lost. I was behind before I opened my mouth.
▸ Spider-like creatures help uncover the surprising origins of fatherhood — Scientists went looking for where fatherhood came from and studied harvestmen, the spider-looking things with the long legs. Ninety years of research had turned up eighty species where a parent guards the eggs. Then somebody spent two days searching a public nature app and found sixty-two more. Ninety years of careful work, nearly matched over a weekend by strangers posting bug photos. Somewhere a scientist is lying awake looking at the ceiling. I know that ceiling.
That's it. Go complain about something.
— The Grump · (and Larry)
Tomorrow's bad mood loading now.